The One Thing You’re Doing That Creates Distance in Relationships

Many years ago, while traveling in India, I came across a Valentine’s gift with the phrase “I think for you” printed on the packaging. It was a case of mistranslation, but it struck me as unintentionally profound because it captured something very real that happens in many relationships.

In our relationships, whether with long-term partners, family members, or close friends, we often do think for others. We assume we know what they’re thinking, what they need, what they're about to say. While some level of intuition is normal in a long term relationships, constantly "thinking for" someone can inadvertently take the opportunity for them to speak for themselves.

I've done this. We all have. It often comes from a place of familiarity or wanting to avoid conflict. But I've learned that when we rely too heavily on assumptions, we miss the opportunity to be surprised, to learn something new about the people we love and to let them share what's actually on their minds.

Why Assumptions Create Disconnection?

When you've known someone for years, it's easy to believe you know them inside out. You assume you can predict their reactions, finish their sentences and understand what is bothering them without asking. But the truth is, people do change over time. Their fears, priorities and emotional responses change especially through life transitions such as career changes, becoming a parent, aging, or grief. When we operate on outdated assumptions instead of checking in, we risk the following -

• Miscommunication - We respond to what we think happened, not what acutally happened.

• Emotional distance - Our loved ones may feel dismissed or unseen when we don’t take the time to ask and listen.

• Unnecessary conflict - Acting on false assumptions can create tension and frustration on both sides.

Example: Your partner is usually quiet. You assume they're upset with you and become defensive or withdrawn. But perhaps they're overwhelmed at work, dealing with self doubt or simply tired. When we don't ask and act on guesses, those guesses can create misunderstanding.

How to Break the Cycle and Reconnect

The good news is that breaking this cycle doesn’t require grand gestures. Often what's needed are small, intentional shift in how we communicate, listen and stay curious on our partner.

1. Ask instead of Assuming - This small shift can change everything. It invites honest sharing rather than putting the other person on the defensive.

   Instead of saying, “You’re quiet today. What’s wrong?”, which assumes something is wrong, try to say, “I noticed you’ve been a little quieter today. How are you feeling?”

2. Listening to Understand, Not to Fix - When our loved ones share something difficult, our instinct is to give advice or jump to problem-solving solving mode. But what they often need most is to be heard and not solved. Here's how to practice active, non fixing listening:

• Making eye contact and putting down your devices.

• Using gentle affirmations, “I hear you,” “That makes sense”.

• Reflect what you have heard, “It sounds like you’re feeling…”.

3. Check in Regularly Even When Things Seem Fine - You don't need a crisis to have meaningful conversation. A simple "How are you really doing?” can open the door for both to reconnect and check in on what matters: emotional needs, personal goals, shifting priorities. Make these conversations part of your routine, not just emergency repairs.

4. Create Emotional Safety Over Time - If talking about feelings and opening up emotionally feels awkward or unfamiliar, that's ok. Many of us weren't taught how. Start small and build closeness together by using phrases such as:

• I want to understand your perspective better.

• I’m here for you, what’s on your mind.

• I may not fully understand, but I want to listen.

The Gift of Staying Curious About Your Partner

One of the kindest things you can do in a relationship is to stop assuming and start asking. Even if you've known someone for decades, they can still surprise you, and that's a gift.

When we replace assumption with curiosity, our loved ones feel seen, heard and truly known not as they were five years ago but as they are now. We make room for growth and deeper trust in our relationships.

So the next time you think you know exactly what your partner will say, pause and ask instead. You just might hear something you never expected.