Emotional Customs

When we think about what makes a relationship work, we often focus on shared values, education, trust, communication, attraction, even financial stability. These things do matter, but there’s something deeper and often overlooked that plays an even bigger role:

The emotional customs, habits, and even the emotional pain or trauma we carry from our past.

These invisible forces shape how we show love, ask for support, react to conflict, and whether we feel safe being ourselves in a relationship.

Different Worlds, Same Relationship

Let's look at a common example: One partner grew up in a family where emotions and feelings were openly shared. Vulnerability was met with comfort. If they were sad, someone noticed. If they were upset, someone listened and responded with care. They learned that talking about emotions is normal and that love means being emotionally present.

Now imagine their partner grew up in a home where feelings weren’t talked about. Emotions were seen as private, rarely discussed, or as a sign of weakness. Maybe no one asked how they were feeling or were told to 'get over it'. Or maybe asking for help might have been met with silence, discomfort, and rejection. So, over time, they learned to keep emotions to themselves or bury them, not because they don’t feel, but because they didn't get a chance to learn how to express those feelings, or that it was safe to do so.

Put these two people in a relationship. One partner might say, “You don't ask how I’m doing. You don’t seem to care.”

The other might think, “You’re too sensitive. Why do I have to fix everything?”

To each person, their reaction feels valid. One feels unseen, and the other feels pressured. What’s really happening here isn’t lack of love, it’s a clash of emotional customs. We each carry invisible scripts from childhood into our adult relationships. These scripts were written by what we saw, felt and experienced growing up. The hardest part is, we often don't realize we're following them until they collide with someone we're in a relationship with.

So when our partner doesn’t respond the way we expect, we often misjudge them. We might call them distant, needy, too intense, or too shut down. But in reality, they’re just doing what they were taught: how to cope, how to relate and connect, even if those ways no longer serve them. This misunderstanding and gap is what creates distance, friction, and pain in relationships that otherwise have potential.

Bridging the Gap: Practical Steps to Heal Emotional Mismatches

Not everyone feels ready to “dive deep” emotionally, and that’s okay. Understanding each other’s emotional history doesn’t have to be intense or dramatic. Here are some gentle, practical steps to help you and your partner start moving toward each other:

1. Get Curious, Not Critical - Instead of trying to prove a point or win the argument, try asking, “Can I share something about how I grew up and what I need when I’m upset?” Invite dialogue rather than blame.

2. Learn Each Other’s Emotional Customs - Gently explore the below questions together as doorway to mutual understanding

• How did your family handle emotions?

• How did people show love or support in your home?

• What made you feel safe and cared for as a kid?

3. Normalize the Difference - You don’t have to feel things the same way. But you do need to learn how to care for each other in the ways that matter for each other. Many people didn't grow up in homes where emotional needs were expressed, so try to be more specific in asking what you need.

“When I’m upset, it helps if you sit with me or ask how I’m feeling. I don’t need you to fix it, just to be with me.”

4. Be Patient With Each Other’s Learning Curve - It’s hard to undo decades of conditioning. If your partner struggles to meet your emotional needs, that doesn’t mean they don’t care. Change takes time and progress can be slow, but as long as your partner is willing to put in the effort, stay steady and not forceful.

5. Seek Support When Needed - A culturally attuned relationship coach or therapist can help you both unpack your emotional histories and develop new ways to connect that feel safe and respectful.

Empathy and Understanding go a Long Way

The truth is, love alone isn't always enough. Love without empathy and understanding can leave us feeling alone, even together. To thrive in a relationship, we need understanding. True connection begins when we stop assuming our partner is wrong and start asking, “What story shaped you?”

By recognizing that we each come from different emotional worlds, we can learn to meet in the middle with empathy, respect, and a willingness to grow. Relationships aren’t just built on love, they’re built on the courage to understand the people we love.

Once we see each other clearly, not just for who we are now, but the past that forged our emotions, personality and character, something shifts. Walls soften. Conversations open. And real connection begins.